The moment comes when the suffering and contraction are such, that I am driven to let go and surrender to the space alone.
Again I find myself taking shaky steps with awe and reverence into the ever evolving mystery of the present moment . Everything is fresh and open. A sense of pulsating aliveness both excites and overwhelms me. An old believe that I can't tolerate the explosive dynamism of this aliveness takes over, and I resort back to my old strategies of contraction; contraction that served a purpose at some point, but is not longer of use to my soul.
It seems that my life continually goes back and forth between the old familiar contracted ways and the freeing space of the present moment.
I am a toddler learning to be in this vast space of not knowing; learning to live in an indescribable sense of immediacy. I have began to slowly trust in my capacity to respond without the need for preoccupation. That trust however is still feeble and gets shaken very easily by events that throw me back into my ego's way.
I feel compassion for the one in me who wants to lead with my old strategies. That fearful contracted sense of self only wants to survive. It is afraid it is going to die. It believes it needs to harden to be alive. Loosening up feels threatening. Spaciousness feels like a vacuum that will suck me dry.
But I have experienced the freedom that comes from being that mysterious openness; that freedom that nourishes my soul more than anything else can. I know by now that I can trust as I let go into the space of now.
I am a toddler in this worldview that does not have a vantage point; A worldview that is open to any possibility, but does not know. I keep taking tiny steps deeper into this delicious black void.
The deeper I go, the louder my familiar sense of self screams and tries to hold on, but I want to let go, I am tired of the effort and energy it takes to hold on.
I know what the freedom feels like and there is no going back at this point. At the same time I know by now that I have little control of the direction the unfoldment goes and that terrifies my young soul.